it may not always be so, and i said

i am still thinking of how his lips purse for

a quaver of a breath

then they part and his voice

fluffy like watercolour paper

with edges only barely audible

i think about how his eyes dart before holding my

searching searching gaze

then it connects and breaks.

i dare not love him

he has his lover

and we are so unaffected, unaffected

how dare he be so

no longer affected

hello it has been a while

"how dare he be so unaffected. how dare he, how dare he."

i have been very unaffected ...

so unaffected that i haven't been drawing

from my anguish into drawings.

does this mean she is happy

that her dreams came true and it has all been solved resolved, that i've found the end point, where does this leave me?

i took a long bus ride today, the first in 6 months. i watched the streets of london pass by me and i realised that this place is my home the dust has settled this is where i will be for a very long time.